Perfection

I have been extremely motivated when it comes to school since I was young. It was nothing that my parents ingrained into my head. They rewarded us for good grades by taking us out to "report card dinner." I was never once told that "anything besides an A is not acceptable," at least by anyone else that is... I have this screwed up thought that getting anything but an A is a failure. I have been pondering about this ridiculous mindset that I have for the past few days and I have come to a few conclusions as to why:

• I like to be in control. I feel like school and getting good grades is one of the few things that I can actually control. I am working on being more flexible, letting things go, and flying by the seat of my pants, but let me be honest and tell you that I have a long ways to go.
• I think that I will not get a job, or at least the job I want, if I do not get the best grades possible. (I realize that this is a ridiculous idea as I type it)
• School is the thing that I am good at. I am the person who has it together when it comes to school (there is the control factor again)
• I really do like to learn, but sometimes I think that my pursuit of perfect grades gets in the way of me actually learning the material.
• I do not feel sufficient in many other areas of my life and studying and doing well in school is something that I can do fairly well.
• I am not trusting my Creator that He has a plan that I can't mess up by getting B's.
• I think I am slightly OCD when it comes to school.

Sometimes I wish I did not care about school and grades as much as I do.

Lately my mood has been dictated by whether or not school is going well. I have been seeking my worth and value in grades, which is not where my worth comes from.

I know that the Lord calls us to glorify Him by doing well and trying our best in all of our endeavors, but to be honest most of the time I am seeking to glorify myself by getting good grades. I don't think that the Lord intended for school to be a source of stress that has the power to control me and my mood.

I pray for freedom from the thought that I need perfect grades.

With humility,

Kam Kam