Keeping up with Kam

Running

2010-01-10T17:56:00.000-08:00

I find it ironic how you can get out of shape so quickly, but it takes quite a long while to get back in shape.

I ran for 4 years in high school and continued running a little bit during freshman year of college, but after that I did not run very much at all.

I ran for the first time in a while on Friday and I ran again today and man, I am sore! This might sound weird, but I love being sore because it is a sign that I worked hard :)

I am looking forward to picking up running again and my goal is to do a 10k at some point down the road.

Happy trails to you! :)

Soft Heart

2010-01-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

I act like I have everything together

I don't like to show weakness

I have too high of expectations for myself and others

I get frustrated with how easily I get hurt by the little things people say/do

I have a soft heart

I don't have everything together

I am a daughter of God and He has a plan and a purpose for my life

I am fearfully and wonderfully made

Merry Christmas Eve!! :-D

2009-12-24T12:21:00.000-08:00

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for :-D

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Kami

Amazing Grace

2009-12-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching the movie, Amazing Grace. It was absolutely stunning. I don't think I have ever watched a movie that is so discouraging and encouraging at the same time. The movie is about William Wilberforce's tireless effort to abolish the slave trade in Great Britain in the 1700's.

I honestly had never heard of William Wilberforce before now, and I have come to find out that he was quite an incredible man of integrity, who believed that he was placed on this earth for a grand purpose and he exhausted all that was within him to fulfill that purpose.

John Newton, William's mentor and author of the hymn, Amazing Grace, said, "I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior." Such a simple yet profound statement. Sometimes it is hard for me to see past how much of a sinner I am and remember that I have an amazing and loving Savior.

I hope that you get a chance to see this movie.

Birth Order

2009-12-14T20:42:00.001-08:00

I was on a walk with my mom yesterday and I was telling her about a discussion that I had with one of my friends about birth order.

It is interesting because my friend is the oldest of three and I am the youngest of three. We got into a discussion recently about the benefits of each birth order and here is what we came up with: The youngest has it "made in the shade." We get to learn from our older siblings' experiences (both successes and failures) and I know I definitely benefited from having two very trustworthy older sisters, which resulted in my parents trusting me a lot more, thanks sisters :) I think that the middle child is the most normal and mild out of the three because he or she gets a little taste of each birth order and has to deal with being in the middle. According to my friend, the only benefit to being the oldest is....a completed baby book, haha :) Sad but true! I am interested to see what some other people think about this birth order dynamic!

Sometimes I wonder how different I would be if I was the middle or the oldest in my family. And to be honest I find a lot of common themes in my friends who come from a similar birth order. For instance, I have a group of friends who all only have brothers as their other siblings, coincidence? I think not :) I also have another group of friends who all have sisters as their siblings and they are mostly all the oldest in their families. Do we end up having friends who are of the same birth order or at least have a similar family makeup? I don't know, but I think it will be interesting if you think about the makeup of your friends' families'.

I love hearing people talk about their siblings and their interactions with them :) A family is such a influential group of people in your life. They help to guide you to who you become and I am very thankful for my family :)

Hebrews 13:5

2009-12-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

I have come across this verse twice within the past 24 hours and I definitely needed to be reminded of it.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Never is a very powerful word. I find so much comfort in knowing that the Lord will never leave me nor will He forsake me. As I typed that I wondered what the word forsake actually means, so I looked it up! According to Webster it means to renounce or turn away from entirely. What a powerful truth...He will never renounce or turn away from me. His love endures forever :)

Pictures from this week

2009-11-22T22:16:00.000-08:00

Nov 22 - Lifelines rocks my world :)

Nov 21 - summer project mini reunion!

Nov 20 - we finally found Taco Bell!

Nov 19 - CPAC Pie Party!

Nov 18 - B Moore

Nov 17 - the cupcakes Lindsey made for Paul...I "helped" by watching her make them :)

Nov 16 - Carri wanted to put up all of the decorations :)

Nov 15 - yummy dinner!

Pictures of the Day

2009-11-17T13:16:00.001-08:00

FYI: I will be posting my pictures of the day on my blog for the rest of 2009 :)

Perfection

2009-11-03T20:46:00.000-08:00

I have been extremely motivated when it comes to school since I was young. It was nothing that my parents ingrained into my head. They rewarded us for good grades by taking us out to "report card dinner." I was never once told that "anything besides an A is not acceptable," at least by anyone else that is... I have this screwed up thought that getting anything but an A is a failure. I have been pondering about this ridiculous mindset that I have for the past few days and I have come to a few conclusions as to why:

I like to be in control. I feel like school and getting good grades is one of the few things that I can actually control. I am working on being more flexible, letting things go, and flying by the seat of my pants, but let me be honest and tell you that I have a long ways to go.
I think that I will not get a job, or at least the job I want, if I do not get the best grades possible. (I realize that this is a ridiculous idea as I type it)
School is the thing that I am good at. I am the person who has it together when it comes to school (there is the control factor again)
I really do like to learn, but sometimes I think that my pursuit of perfect grades gets in the way of me actually learning the material.
I do not feel sufficient in many other areas of my life and studying and doing well in school is something that I can do fairly well.
I am not trusting my Creator that He has a plan that I can't mess up by getting B's.
I think I am slightly OCD when it comes to school.

Sometimes I wish I did not care about school and grades as much as I do.

Lately my mood has been dictated by whether or not school is going well. I have been seeking my worth and value in grades, which is not where my worth comes from.

I know that the Lord calls us to glorify Him by doing well and trying our best in all of our endeavors, but to be honest most of the time I am seeking to glorify myself by getting good grades. I don't think that the Lord intended for school to be a source of stress that has the power to control me and my mood.

I pray for freedom from the thought that I need perfect grades.

With humility,

Kam Kam

What is wrong...

2009-10-25T22:52:00.000-07:00

...with me?

There is evidence to support the idea that I am not worth it.

When will I demolish the lies and actually believe with my whole heart and mind that I am worth fighting for?

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." -Exodus 14:14

Drive In Movie

2009-10-23T23:08:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the Drive In with Liza and it was quite fun! If you have not been to the Sunset Drive In, then I highly recommend that you go :) It is only $6 for two movies and they are always new releases. Tonight was Where the Wild Things Are and Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs...two of my favorite childhood books!

I had just sat down at my computer to send some e-mails and Liza came to my door and told me which two movies were playing and within 30 minutes we were packed and off to the Drive In. This was quite a feet for me to be so spontaneous and I liked it :)

Watching the movies made me a bit nostalgic...I miss my childhood when everything was simple and the biggest decision I had to make was which movie to watch or game to play, okay maybe there were a few more decisions than that but you get the point.

I am going to be 21 in a little over 2 months, which just blows my mind. Am I really that old?! Haha :)

I have been learning a lot this quarter, not just in school, but the main thing that I have come to know is that growing is not easy and growth comes along with "growing pains."

Hello Fall!

2009-10-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

I just love fall! I love the smells and the crisp air. I love how it is cool enough a night to curl up in bed or have a warm cup of tea :) Fall means carving pumpkins, baking, and it is a wonderful preview to my favorite season of all...winter. Yes, I have a slight bias towards winter since it contains Christmas and my birthday, but who doesn't love the holidays?

I went on a walk this morning and it was so nice! There was a slight breeze and it just had the smell of fall :)

Happy fall!!

Good Morning!

2009-09-23T09:16:00.001-07:00

This morning was/is quite a good morning :) I did not sleep the greatest last night because I was coughing a lot, but I woke up this morning just 5 minutes after my alarm went off. I am notorious for sleeping well beyond the time my alarm goes off so this morning was a pleasant surprise. I got up, took my temperature to make sure I did not have a fever, ate some breakfast, read my Bible, checked some e-mails and drank a warm cup of tea. Now it is off to school!

Politics

2009-08-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I was going to write something here warning you about something, but I am pretty harmless...haha :]

Discussing politics with someone or a group of people is probably one of my least favorite things to do and let me tell you a few reasons why:

I can't stand how much division there is in the United States between the Republicans and Democrats. I seriously am saddened by how much tension and animosity that I witness daily between both groups.
If you were to ask me whether I am Conservative or Liberal, I would honestly tell you that I am moderate. Now some people may say that an answer like that is just a way to weasel out of a political discussion and yes, they may be correct, but allow me to explain my political background. I was raised in a pretty liberal home. The political point of view that I had always heard was definitely geared toward the Democrat view of things. Since going to college and becoming more aware of the views of other political parties, I have encountered some very different views.
I find that it is difficult for me to know what my actual political views are because I was raised with a lot of liberal views, but I am also surrounded by many conservative views, many of which that tie into my relationship with God. Now let me stop right here before I am categorized as a "typical Christian Conservative." This is something that really gets under my skin: when people assume which way I vote on every issue based on my religion, or how my parents vote, or even how they think I should vote. I am still figuring out where I stand when it comes to politics, but believe me when I say that it is not an easy decision for me to make.
There are so many people that I love and respect from each political party. I have to say that it just rips my heart out and sometimes I get quite angry when my liberal friends are making rude comments about those "close-minded conservatives" and my conservative friends are making rude comments about those "radical liberals." Sometimes I even get looks at me like "Kami, why are you not joining in with us?" Even as I type this I am getting heated. If you do not remember anything from what you read in this blog, then remember this, they are people too. They are the people that raised me to be a responsible young women, they are the people who are in my Bible study, they are the people who I spent a month with in Colorado, they are the family friends that always want to know about me and school, they are all people and deserve to be respected and not demeaned just because their political views are different from your political views.
Now some people may be reading this and wonder how I can even struggle with my political views if I truly have a relationship with God. Let me tell you, I am not about to make politics my religion. I am quite worried about some people who get more heated about which bill should be passed or who should be president or who are more concerned with digging up dirt about the other candidate than they are about growing in their walk with the Lord and remembering that are are called to love one another. Yes, I am still fairly new in my faith and I am sure that my views will change as I grow and mature in my walk with the Lord, but I hope and pray that I will never be more passionate about the current political debate than about my God who continues to love me and give me grace.
This does not mean that I never want to discuss politics. I do discuss politics with a very few people who I trust will not judge or categorize me, but please don't expect me to jump on either bandwagon...

Loving God With All Your Mind...

2009-08-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

...this is the title of the book that I am currently reading by Elizabeth George. I have been learning quite a bit since I started reading it:

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things." ~Philippians 4:8
God calls us to think about what is true and real about Him, His Word, others, the future, and the past and present. I notice that just making little changes in what I choose to think about during the day can make my day so much better.
Winning Over Worry: "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." ~Matthew 6:34
I worry a lot about things that I have no control over. This is definitely not my favorite part of my personality, but it is part of who I am at this point.
I have found that simply focusing on today and what it has in store for me helps me to be some much more relaxed and less anxious about what is to come. And when I think about it, how does worrying help the situations? It doesn't help.
I have also found that taking things on day at a time allow me to trust God so much more with what is to come in the future. Now don't get me wrong, I still worry about so many things, like how things will be when I get back to SLO, whether friendships and relationships will last, whether some creepy person will jump out and get me in the dark (you know we all have these worries), my friends' and family's health and safety, and the list goes on..
Pressing for the Prize: "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching for those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 3:13-14
I have just started reading this section of the book and there is already so much of it that rings true in my life. I tend to dwell on pains of the past. Pains that are self inflicted by acts of sin that still bring shame, pains that are inflicted by others that are difficult to forgive, and pain that I have witnessed and I wonder how that can happen.
I am working on "remembering to forget." Remembering and dwelling on pains of the past in no way enable me to grow and mature in my walk with Christ. Forgetting is not easy, but it is so freeing.

Some Scattered Thoughts:

My sister had her baby girl, Kylee Kendall, on August 17th and she is beautiful!! I am now a proud aunt of 2 :]
I am ready to back to SLO, but I am nervous about going back. I can't wait to see all of my Bible study girls again and be in fellowship again. SLO is going to be great, but different.
I leave for Mississippi very early Thursday morning and I am so excited to see two of my friends from project!
I have a bit of a cold right now and I am pretty sure that summertime is my least favorite time to have a cold.
The song "Speechless" by Steven Curtis Chapman is amazing, you should listen to it.

It's been a while

2009-08-09T17:25:00.000-07:00

Hi!!!

Yes, it has been quite a while since I have written a blog, but I am back in action now!

Last night I saw the movie Julie and Julia with my parents and it inspired me to write in my blog again. It was a cute and funny movie, but it is definitely a chick flick, so grab your girlfriends and go see it! It even made me want to try whipping up one of Julia Child's recipes and if you know how much I cook, then you know that says a lot about how good of a movie it was :]

The rest of my summer project was AMAZING! I got to go on our last hike because my knee was healed enough, I went white water rafting, I rock climbed despite my dislike of heights and I hiked to 12,000 feet on the last Sunday we were there (we started our hike at 3 AM). I learned so much about God, myself, and others through these outdoor adventures, doing programs, and just living life with 16 students and 17 staff for 4 weeks. Here are a few of the things that God taught me over the course of my 4 weeks in Colorado:

I can learn a lot about myself and God when I am taken out of my comfort zone.
I am afraid of failing and that hinders how I interact with other people, what roles and responsibilities I take, and it also lowers my level of self-confidence. He also taught me that I am not the only one who has this fear :]
We established norms as a group and the two that was the most difficult for me to follow were "I will attempt to be gracefully honest and intentionally vulnerable" and "I will attempt to accept the real self: good & bad." God was so faithful to showing me how fruitful it can be to open up to people and be vulnerable. I also learned and am continuing to learn how to accept and love the good and bad in myself.
The body of Christ is so important and God has made us different and unique intentionally so we can fulfill our needed roles.
God uses other people in our lives in amazing ways!
I do not like being physically weaker than other people and I do not like having to be helped...yay for injuring my knee, He works in all situations :]
I am by no means perfect and God knows that and He loves me with his perfect and infinite love. In Him I am free from condemnation.
I can be responsible to people without being responsible for them.
God is SO faithful and can use me! July 4th was an amazing day :]
Growth is not easy.
Conflict is not all bad and can be healthy and lead to growth.
I need to address issues as they arise and not "keep a laundry list" and not let things fester.
God is so good :]

So yea, the Lord taught me a lot and it is really cool because He is continuing to teach me things back home by putting me in situations that allow me to put into action what I learned on summer project. Granted, some of the situations as not very fun, but growth takes time and is not easy.

Saying good-bye to all of my summer project friends was not easy. I did not think that after 4 weeks it would be as hard as it was to say good-bye to the students and the staff. There were a lot of tears...yes I cried...quite a bit. I am just so thankful that God brought us all on the same summer project and created friendships that I know will last for a lifetime :]

Now I am home and I have 2 more days of swim lessons. Then I am going to help Kacy in her Kindergarten class until baby Kylee comes. She is due August 21st, so she could come any day now...so exciting!!

SKYPE...is probably one of my favorite things right now. I love being able to talk to family, project friends, and friends from SLO and actually see the person's face. It makes my day when I get to spend some time chatting on skype :]

Snail Mail...is another one of my favorite things right now. I have been sending letters to some of my friends from summer project and it is so fun to write to them and get letters back from them :]

What is coming up?

Kacy is having Kylee sometime soon :]
Kimber (my oldest sister) and Reese (my niece) are coming down for a visit after Kylee is born. Yay for having almost the whole family together!
I am going to Mississippi on Labor Day weekend to camp, hike, and white water raft with two lovely ladies from my summer project. I can't wait to see them :]
I am driving back to SLO around September 10th to get ready for my 3rd year at Cal Poly...time sure does fly!

Well that is all I have for now :]

Update From Colorado!!

2009-06-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

Hi!

So, first I apologize for not updating you guys until now. They keep us pretty busy here in Estes Park, CO, which is good :]

Colorado is absolutely beautiful!! I now understand why everyone wants to live here...the air is so clean, there are gorgeous snow capped mountains everywhere you turn, and they have awesome thunder storms.

So here are some of the highlights of the first week or so of project:

We had a scavenger hunt in downtown Estes Park which was so much fun! My team was almost finished and then we saw one of the other teams pulled over because their car battery had died again. We tried to jump it but that did not work. Thank goodness for AAA! Then on the way back to camp I took the 36 instead of the 7 and drove us 15 miles towards Boulder...needless to say we got home eventually :]

There are 16 students here from California, Arizona, Utah, Texas, Mississippi, Ohio, Virginia, and New York and we have 18 staff (I think) who are from all over also. Everyone is incredible and I love getting to spend time with everyone and learn more about each other.

On Wednesday we headed out with our groups (I am in the Hiking Group) for a 3 day 2 night backpacking trip. Yes folks, hiking with all of the stuff we needed for our trip, using the great outdoors as a restroom and filtering our water from the river :] About half a mile from where we were going to set up camp, I slipped in a creek crossing and my left kneecap caught my fall on a rock...Ouch! I am so thankful for the care that I received from my group! I was definitely emotional because of the pain, I thought I broke my kneecap, and I thought about all of the activities I was going to miss. We camped at in a meadow that was really close to where I fell. The next morning we decided as a group to leave early so I could go back and get my knee checked out. My group gave me so much grace and love and I am so thankful to them all for that :] So once we got back to the High Peak Camp, Brenda and Mark Brown took me to the hospital. It turned out that I did not break or tear anything! I had subpatellar bursitis, which basically means that the fluid sac under my kneecap had extra fluid and was swollen.

So I have been elevating, icing, taking ibuprofen, and not walking too much since Thursday. My group is hiking right now, but we thought it best for me to rest my knee one more day. This is very hard for me to do because my knee is almost 100% healed now (SO thankful!!) but I have a doctor appt tomorrow and hopefully she will clear me so that I can hike on Thursday and not have to miss out on bonding with my group. Please Pray that the appt goes well and that my knee does well on the hike :]

At dinner last night one of the staff asked me how I was liking project so far and I told him that I felt like I was at "emotional boot camp." But seriously, this first week has been emotionally challenging. We have a few programs each day that involve a lot of discussion, self-evaluation, and emotional energy. I am learning so much about God, myself, and others. I know that God is going to grow me so much this summer in being able to open up to people, in handling conflict, in knowing Him and the Holy Spirit more, and in growing in true fellowship. We established "norms" for our group and the one that is going to be most difficult for me is: "I will attempt to be gracefully honest and intentionally vulnerable." Please pray for me :]

I miss you all so much and I want to say THANK YOU to all of you who have supported me in prayer and financially! I definitely could not have made it here without all of your love and support :]

I hope you all are enjoying your summers! I will try to post updates on here as I have time to and I will keep posting pictures on Facebook.

All my love,

Kami

4 Days Until Colorado!

2009-06-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

The year is quickly coming to an end and I have to be honest with you by saying that I am ready to leave SLO town for a bit. Now don't get me wrong, I love SLO, all of my friends, school, and other activities, but these past few days I have been getting angry and annoyed over the littlest things and my fuse is definitely shorter. I am aware of this and so I am trying extra hard to catch myself on it and give out more grace, but it is not easy. So yea, I am ready for a little breakie poo :] Which transitions perfectly into leaving for Colorado in 4 days!

I would like to report that I have 90% of my support!! I am so in awe of God's faithfulness and peoples' willingness to come alongside and support me through prayer and financial contributions. I am so excited to get to spend a month in beautiful Colorado growing in my walk with the Lord and other believers. I am also anxious because I am going to be meeting new people, having to open up and be challenged, but these are all very good things too :]

Here are some prayer requests for this summer:

Safe travel as everyone from our project makes their way to Colorado
That we would all grow in community and fellowship with each other and the Lord
That I would be vulnerable and open with those on my project, this is definitely an area I hope to grow in this summer
That we will remember our purpose and let the Lord shape and mold us
That we will have fun! :]
That I would be able to learn more about myself and all of the amazing people that I will be spending a month with in beautiful Colorado :]

I will try to keep my blog up to date and I will continue to post my pictures of the day on Facebook, so that you can see what I am up to in Colorado. I hope you all have a fantastic summer!

Much Love,

Kami

Psalm 139

2009-05-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

In response to my last blog one of my good friends directed me to Psalm 139 and this poem by Russell Kelfer in Rick Warren's "A Purpose Driven Life."

"You are who you are for a reason
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're JUST what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's Rod,
You are who you are beloved,
Because there is a God!"

So encouraging! Thanks Carri :]

The Green-Eyed Monster

2009-05-25T22:48:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been finding myself getting so jealous of others quite often. I constantly find myself wondering why my life is not that fun, why I don't have more friends, why I am not better looking, why I am not as good at analyzing passages and the list goes on. This is not a fun way to live and I pray that my jealous heart will be tamed and that I will be able to find joy in everything and that I will be able to be thankful for what I do have and who I am right now.

Tonight in Bible study we went through 1 Peter Chapter 5 and the verses that stuck out to me were the ones that talked about how we need to be humbled before the Lord. I think that many times I find myself being humbled when I get jealous. I am realizing that someone is better off than me in a certain instance and understanding that it is okay and accepting this results in being humbled. I really needed to type this out because I have been catching myself being jealous so much lately, and how can I enjoy what I have if I am too worried about what I don't have? I don't have my life all together and it is not perfect, but I have been blessed beyond what I deserve.

Kam Kam's Update

2009-05-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

I realized that it has been I while since I have sat down to write, nearly two weeks. These past two weeks have been very encouraging and fun overall :] I will try to give you some highlights of what has been going on in my life.

Last Saturday I went camping with my beautiful Bible study girls at San Simeon. It was so fun to take fun pictures on the beach and rocks, eat a delicious dinner prepared by Kayla and chat around the campfire. It was quite an adventure overall :] I love all of the girls in my Bible study and I am so looking forward to growing even closer as the years go by.

This quarter has been busy, but I have been able to stay on top of my school work pretty well and have been doing very well on my tests thus far, which is such a blessing! I tend to be very drained by Thursday evening when my week ends, but it is always nice to relax and renew during the weekends.

This last Monday was probably one of the best Mondays that I have had in a while. I got to go to the gym with Andrea, which I always enjoy and I was just filled with so much joy for no specific reason, but it was great! During discipleship we took a test to find out what were our spiritual gifts. I scored the highest in administration and "helps". It was encouraging to know that God has blessed me with some great gifts, but I was having a hard time feeling like I was using my gifts to glorify God. With the encouragement of others, I have been able to see how I can use my spiritual gifts by helping where needed and pursuing groups in which my administration skills are needed. I still need prayer that I would continue to use and grow my spiritual gifts and that I would grow in other spiritual gifts that I do not have yet. Monday was also amazing because practically everyone was at Bible study and we found out that Caellin will be back in SLO for the next year! Needless to say, Monday was magnificent :]

I have come to know that my number one love language is quality time. If someone is intentionally spending time with me, then I feel very loved by them and I tend to show others love by spending time with them and initiating hang out time. Physical touch is probably my number two love language, but it still needs some work...if you know me then you know that I am not the most touchy feely :] So anyway, I got to spend some time chatting with Grace in the UU on campus. While we were sitting there, this girl came up and asked us if we wanted to be in a photo shoot for Cal Poly. Basically, they wanted to get pictures of ordinary students to put on Cal Poly pamphlets, etc. It was very random but kind of fun...so next time you pick up a Cal Poly pamphlet keep your eye out for Grace and me!

Since it is Memorial Day Weekend, most of my friends have either gone home or somewhere else besides SLO. Tonight was so fun though! Brita and I went over to Caellin's to help set up and price for her garage sale. It was so nice to get to spend time chatting with everyone there while being productive, and Brita and I left with some treasures of our own...a glass bowl, mirror and some very cute clothes. I love spending time with and lending a hand to those who are so important in my life.

I leave for my summer project in Colorado in about three and a half weeks. To be honest I am very excited but also very anxious. I have raised 47% of the support that I need and I am trusting that the rest will come in soon! I know that this summer is going to be challenging but I am so excited to see what God has in store for me :]

As this quarter quickly comes to an end I am realizing that in three weeks we will all be going our separate ways for the summer. I am not one who is good with goodbyes even when I know I will see these people in three months. I am definitely going to miss my SLO friends over the summer!

What do you live for?

2009-05-06T23:16:00.000-07:00

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ."
~Philippians 3:7

This was the main theme of the talk at Crusade tonight and it really convicted me. Why do I do what I do? What am I really living for?

So here is a list of what I am living for right now:

success in school
getting offers for summer leadership programs
CPAC and Ambassadors
other people who I want to be proud of me and whose approval I value
myself
my pride

I want Jesus Christ to be at the top of that list, but if I am being honest with myself, then I know that I have a lot of growing, learning, and praying to do before that will be the truth. I find myself just going through the motions and feeling like there are certain things that I need to do in order to be really living as a follower of Christ, but I know that my salvation is not based on my performance. Even though I know this I still have a difficult time believing it in such a performance based society.

I have been questioning the validity of my faith for such a dumb reason lately. I know that many of my friends are being asked to lead Bible studies in the Fall and I was not asked to do so. Automatically I thought that there must be something wrong with me, was is because I am too broken, not committed enough to Crusade, too young in my faith...the list goes on. Then I thought about why I would want to be a leader and where my desires were coming from and it was clearly my pride. I wanted to be asked/chosen/selected to be a leader and I feel like if you are a Bible study leader then you are seen as such a servant in Crusade's ministry and I can honestly say that I feel like I will fall through the cracks since I am not going to be one. But overall, I know that my desires to lead a study were not just to serve the Lord, which worries me.

Please pray that I would be humbled and would desire to fully surrender to the Lord and live for Him.

Priorities

2009-05-04T22:29:00.001-07:00

If you were to look at my day today and the decisions I made then it would be clear what area of my life receives priority right now...accounting. Some of you may see no problem with this, but I was not as committed, to some people in my life, as I needed to be. Today I had an interview for a summer program, for which I had to leave discipleship way early to get to on time. This evening I had dinner with a firm, which ended right when Bible study was over. I am so disappointed in myself right now. Yes, I have some great opportunities with these accounting firms and I am extremely thankful for them, but I don't want accounting to be my life. If you come in my room you will see a sign near my door which reads, "Accounting is my job, not my life!" There are times when I have to remind myself of this reality. It is easy for me to let my pride draw me into accounting when I receive praise and attention for doing well in school and being involved, but I find that I get so drained if I do not set aside time to be in fellowship with others and be refreshed and encouraged.

I truly apologize to my Bible study girls for not being there tonight. I know that for us to be able to invest in each others' lives and get to know each other more, we need to be committed to be at study to hear what is going on in our lives and pray for each other. I really need to set some priorities and stick to them. Please pray that I would be able to make decisions not just based on my pride, but that I would see the value in spending intentional time with people and that my focus would not just be on the successes of this world.

On a side note, I am finding that drinking is very common topic of discussion. Even in professional settings, I find that it is all some people talk about or get excited about. I am concerned that this going to be a challenge for me as I enter the business arena. How do you relate to those conversations? I find it very difficult to do so. Any advice?

Groups

2009-05-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

Many people have told me that it is good to not have a group or a "clique," but ironically enough all of those people have been part of a group. I have noticed that I am not part of a group. Yes, I do have some great people that I have the honor of spending time with throughout the week and occasionally on the weekends, but all of those people have their own core groups. I feel like this year I have never been really connected. I changed Bible studies at the beginning of this year and I definitely value all of the girls in both studies, but I do not feel connected to either group. It makes sense though because the girls in my new study already have their groups and yes I do spend time with them and I enjoy it to the fullest, but when it comes down to it I am just not one of the people who they feel they need to/want to include when they are making plans. I am also not fully connected to the study that I left because they have bonded so much this year, which I am so happy about but it just means that relationships with those girls are different now. I am involved in a lot of "groups" at school too but I don't feel connected to those people more than just participating in the events and activities for those groups.

I am sure if you are reading this then you are thinking that I am just complaining and having a "pity party" and I am sorry if you think so. Actually being able to write down these thoughts that I am feeling, that cause me to be to feel frustration towards certain people in my life, is a huge step for me. I am not allowing myself to hold onto these thoughts and let the frustration and pain brew and build up. Sometimes I just need to write it out!

What do I expect to change from writing this out in my blog? I honestly don't know. I am just trusting that everything will work out.

Okay, that is all for now. Who is in your group? Think about it.

Learning to Like

2009-05-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

There were quite a few times during this week when I thought, "I really want to blog about this right now!" But this week went by in a blur, so I am just going to write about my week now :]

I started off this week a little bit worried about how I was going to get everything (my research paper in particular) finished on time. On Monday, by way of two main activities being cancelled, I had some time open up to be able to get a jump start on my work. Having this unexpected free time made me realize something...I don't plan in free time for myself. If am available when a volunteer is needed for CPAC, Ambassadors, Crusade, etc I will do. It is hard for me to say no to helping out if I know that I do not have anything planned at that time. I have been learning this week, through the experience of others and myself, that it is okay to have some time to myself FOR myself...I think that I do a lot for others, but not as much for Kami as I should. I am still learning, but I hope that during these next few weeks I will be able to have some more rest and reflection time, because I think it is a critical part of all of our lives. Also, if you know me then you know that I am an "initiator," which means I will call you to hang out and plan things and plan events for our groups, take action, etc. Well, I am tired of having to always pursue people and it is so refreshing when I have someone plan something and pursue me. This is something that I have always struggled with but I have been noticing it more lately. I want to spend time with people and hang out, but it is nice to feel like they want to spend time with me too. Call/text/facebook/carrier pigeon/reach out to me...haha :]

During this week we had some very thought provoking discussions in my English class. We are currently reading Leo Tolstoy tales and I was surprised, but so excited, as to how deep of discussions my class was having. My professor gave us a list of questions about compassion to ponder over and one of them really caught my attention: Does compassion create a "one up/one down" relationship? My professor was discussing this question in relation to the tale that we read called "What Men Live By." He asked this question and we all agreed that compassion should occur on the same level with no one up/one down, but that this does not always happen. My professor said something that hit me hard: in order for compassion to be actual compassion it requires both people admitting that they are broken and not perfect and that they both can give and receive compassion. I know that I am not in the "level" part of compassion because I am not good at receiving compassion and this probably ties into me being too prideful and not wanting to admit my brokenness to others. I love how God was able to teach me such an important lesson through a discussion in my class...He is good :]

When I think of suffering, I don't really think of something that I look forward to or benefit from, but during this past week discussions and talks about suffering have been brought up quite often. In my English class we had a discussion about how suffering can be a good thing. One point was that suffering is the catalyst for our growth and during our times of suffering is when we truly define ourselves. Another point was that if you can find meaning and hope in suffering, then you can survive anything. I was thinking about this point and reflecting on times when I felt like I was "suffering" and I know that there were times when I could not see meaning or purpose in my suffering. I know that we are not promised a life without suffering, but we do have a loving God who shapes, grows and draws us closer in faith to Him by having us suffer. I am working on seeking Him in those times when I feel like I am struggling or suffering but sometimes I just get so caught up in the situation that I can't pull myself out of it. I know that I don't handle every situation the exact way that I should, but I know that God is still shaping me and teaching me to put my trust, faith, and hope in Him.

Last night after the spring banquet meeting I was talking with Tad. He was telling me one of the things that he loved about his dad. He said that his dad was average in everything in his life, but he was extraordinary at "liking" people. I had voiced some frustrations about people not following through and he was telling me that it is okay not to like them right now, because we are called to love everyone but not to like everyone :] Tad was saying that he asked his dad how he was able to like so many people and his dad told him that whenever he was having a hard time liking someone he would go home and pray for himself and his relationship with God because when he does not like someone it is usually because he sees something in them that he does not like about himself and he needs to fix that with him and God in order to learn to like that person more. I thought this was such a great point!! How many times do we meet or interact with people who we just have a hard time liking? I will personally say that happens a lot and it is usually because I see something in the person that I do not like about myself. How great would it be if we went to the Lord in prayer in order to improve ourselves and learn to like people? I think it could be pretty great :]

Well, these are all of the "blog" thoughts that I built up last week. I hope that you enjoyed reading them! :]

Welcome to my Blog!

2009-04-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

I hiked Madonna this morning and I highly recommend doing so! Kristen and I made it to the top and were rewarded with a gorgeous view of all of San Luis Obispo. On the way down we decided to try a different path and we hoped that it would lead us back to our car. Well, after an hour of literally walking around the mountain we finally got back to our car :] It was well worth it to get to spend some quality time chatting with Kristen, having an adventure and trusting that the path would eventually take us back to our car.

If you know me well, then you know that I love to use analogies to help me to describe things that are going on in my life. I feel like our hiking excursion this morning parallels with how my week went about....I was not exactly sure where God was leading me and what He was trying to teach me, but in the end it has worked out and I have seen the good come of it.

This past week was pretty busy with mid-terms, tours, meetings, support raising and just life. I find that the little things affect me so much more when I am stressed, but I am pretty sure that this is true for most of us.

At the beginning of this past week I was frustrated with God about different struggles in my life and it came to its peak on Wednesday when I had some discouraging interactions with my support raising for my summer project. I was sitting in my living room, crying, and asking God why all of these things were coming at me all at once. I went to Crusade that night so frustrated with and shut off to God.

Looking back on this week, I can see how it may not have been the easiest "path" and maybe not the quickest, but it has brought me closer to Him through the twists and turns...there is your analogy, I know it is a bit of a stretch :] This week I have relied more on other people that God has placed in my life to support and encourage me and it has made so extremely thankful for them. My Bible study girls, Caellin, Grace, my roomies, friends and my incredible sisters have been so great at coming along side me and building me up. He has also opened up the door for good conversations and helping me to be vulnerable with and known by others. Sometimes it is hard for me to see the good that can come out of situations and understand why God is letting them happen or not happen, but I think that this is how He allows us to develop trust and have faith in Him. I had a great conversation with my oldest sister, Kimber, and it was so nice to truly connect as sisters in Christ in addition to being earthly sisters :] One thing that she told me that really resounded with me was that God will never give us more than we can handle. Yes, there are many times when it is hard for me to believe this, but always when I look back at those particular times when I was feeling defeated or having a challenging time I see how He was teaching me, growing me, and drawing me closer to Him.

I am excited to have a blog :] I feel like I am sometimes better at expressing myself and opening up when I am able to journal out my thoughts. I think it is healthy too, because sometimes things just get built up in my mind and they need to be flushed out! I hope that reading this allows you to get to know me a little bit better and to see how I am continuing to grow and be challenged in my relationship with God.

Oh, and do you like the name of my blog? I thought it was pretty clever, but I do have a bias ;]